Who is Julian McBride?
And what is Julian McBride Racing?
My name is Julian Phillip McBride (JPM), or "Doolan" (pronounced Doo-Lan) to my family (my then three-year old nephew couldn't pronounce my name properly and it stuck!)
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Born in August 1967, I'm now at an age where everything hurts and getting out of bed requires planning and execution instead of simply leaping out! I am however still a big kid inside. I learned through being in a wheelchair and having to face adversity that laughter is the best therapy (okay, beer helps too) and that, along with a sense of purpose (don't tell me I will never walk again as I'm going to stick two fingers up to you!!) is what got me through it. The idea of accepting finally, that I am, always have been and in fact always will be a big kid was the best thing - to finally like yourself and be cool with who you are is what we all want.
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None of us are getting out of here alive - let's have fun and enjoy life. We haven't got time for anything else.
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I'm me. If you don't like me that's fine. I don't make a point of criticising people and nor do I go out of my way to insult, anger, upset and denigrate anyone. On the contrary, I am lucky enough to have realised that everyone has a story. Everyone has something interesting to tell, everyone has experiences we could all learn from. If you treat everyone with the same dignity and respect that we all deserve as human beings then life would be much happier all round.
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Sadly that isn't the case for many but that's okay. Everyone has a cross to bear. Everyone has something going on. In the brilliant words of the immortal Robin Williams:
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
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Be kind.
ALWAYS.
Being kind however doesn't mean I like losing. On the contrary, I am fiercely competitive and driven!
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The great thing about motorsport is that everyone who drives is in it for the same reason, to have fun. It doesn't really matter whether you are a CEO or a teacher or a plumber, or do a manual job and have very few academic qualifications to your name or have a PhD, everyone shares the same passion - to race and to enjoy the adrenaline-fuelled pastime that is motorsport. In the paddock, status and money mean nothing.
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It is true that motorsport is not exactly the cheapest hobby one could choose but equally, being loaded doesn't make you a brilliant driver, nor does it make you a gentleman. True, having means can give you the opportunity to get more track time and improve, it can even mask a lack of talent but equally, lack of means doesn't mean lack of talent.
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Unfortunately it can also be brutally cruel. There are many talented young drivers, well, talented older drivers too who would love nothing more than to make a living racing. Let's be honest, most boys would love the idea and indeed an increasing number of girls too. There some amazing female talent out there and hopefully it becomes commonplace to see men and women competing side-by-side at all levels over coming years. The problem with motorsport is that it started out very much as "gentleman drivers", i.e. men of means competing with each other and to this day there are only a very small number of professional racing drivers. Most people are either self-funded or attract sponsorship to give them the opportunity to race. Because of this, just having talent doesn't mean you'll necessarily race at the highest levels.
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Take F1 for example - there are drivers who have brought with them sponsors that provide the means for the teams to run and therefore effectively have bought their way to having a seat. Yes, to race in F1 you still have to be quick in a car; nobody wants a muppet behind the wheel if it's going to detract from the team brand. Motorsport at any level is a business and it's about money. But as a club level racer you can do much yourself which is what makes it so much fun for many people.
My point about the fun of motorsport is, sharing the track with people from all walks of life is what's so cool about the sport, especially at club level - everyone's in it to compete and have fun, and no-one gives a stuff about your background. What you do away from racing is nothing to do with racing. Racing is about being that kid that will never grow up. It doesn't matter what colour you are, what your ethnic background is, what sexual persuasion or gender you are or identify as, or how old you are. In the paddock it's just great fun and everyone is equal.
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Don't get me wrong, there are some who take it perhaps a little too seriously but in the main it's all about the racing and the adrenaline.
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Who am I?
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I work in IT, am married for the second time, have a beautiful daughter born in 1998, and two sons with my wife Helena to whom I've been married since 2002, born in 2003 and 2005 respectively.
I was degree educated but most of my academic life I "got by" without putting in too much effort. I enjoyed having fun too much.
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Yellow is my favourite colour. It's bright, happy, positive and represents joy, fun, humour, energy, warmth. Weirdly unlike the grumpy old git I'd become at the time of my life-changing injury!! :-)
Then came work. To prove to myself that I wasn't rubbish, I worked hard. I worked hard but all in the pursuit of wealth - a means by which I could measure myself and my success. There was a period in my life where I took things way too seriously - career, trying to be a "new man", trying to "find myself" what ever the hell that means. I wanted to achieve career progression, I wanted big titles and for people to admire me.
I look back now an think "what a waste of energy". "A new man!" What utter rubbish.
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Money . . really? Money is not a measure of success in life.
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Thank goodness I had a life-changing event . . . . .
A reality check - will I ever race?
For me it started when I was only a few years old and my father pushed me on my little red racing car around our back garden with a broom. I've always wanted to race cars ever since but for most of my life I had all kinds of excuses as to why I could never do it; too poor, not enough time, other priorities, I don't need to prove myself now, I have a family and I have to be sensible . . blah blah blah.
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2011 - January 4th
I was admitted to a private hospital in Reading for what was supposed to be a routine spinal procedure, something called a microdiscectomy, to remove a tear on one of my discs in the lower part of my back. A routine procedure said the surgeon. Virtually no risk (yes there's always a risk and you have to sign a disclaimer form of course but the level of "confidence" the surgeon had in his own abilities should have been, looking back if I'm honest, a warning sign) is how the surgeon made it seem.
I woke up from the operation three hours later to discover I couldn't feel my legs from the knees-down and, within three hours from the waist down. I had by the end of the day on the 4th January become a paraplegic.
Oxford JR Hospital - January 2011
Naturally you experience every emotion under the sun in such adverse circumstances: Denial, Fear, Hope, Anger, Despair, Frustration, Determination, Pig-headedness, Acceptance, Humour, Humility, Inspiration, Emancipation, Joy, Possibility, Elation, Love.
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To experience such a range of emotions during my stay in hospital and then as an outpatient was quite something. To finally, after so many years as an "adult" worrying about "stuff" realise that "stuff" isn't that important and what is important is health, family and fun, is pretty powerful.
What you don't appreciate after spinal surgery until someone reminds you is that you can't drive. Not only can you physically not drive but the government takes away your driving licence. That hurt! I'd lost my independence and the ability to do something I absolutely love.
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What next?
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To re-obtain your licence you have to attend something called a Regional Driving Assessment Centre (RDAC). In the middle of 2011 despite not being able to walk I had regained some feeling and use in both legs, but really only from the hips down to the knees, still nothing below. Essentially my quads were now functioning.
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After trying a range of cars with various hand controls, I asked the examiner if I could try a normal automatic. "But you can't feel anything" he said. "That's fine, I can still see how fast I'm going. I'll left-foot brake" I said.
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30 minutes later he had signed me off as being able to drive two-pedalled cars, precisely where I am today, eight years on (May 2019 at the time of writing this).
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Absolutely mega! What a feeling, having some independence again. Can't walk for toffee but I can drive. YES!!
Stoke Mandeville Hospital - National Spinal Injuries Centre, September 2011
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I was lucky enough to be given a place at Stoke Mandeville National Spinal Injuries Centre for almost seven weeks of rehab as an in-patient.
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Wow!
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Despite the lack of funding and the short-staffing that was evident on a number of wards, the compassion, the expertise, knowledge and assistance given to help you was incredible. Those people are special, very special.
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National Spinal Injuries Centre
Stoke Mandeville Hospital
I swore I would make the most of every minute of every day I was in there. I exercised for 4-5 hours every day, whether in the spinal gym, the sports hall playing wheelchair basket-ball (which all too often descended into wheelchair rugby . . completely bonkers) or table tennis or just athletics at the track.
After seven weeks I was walking using crutches albeit only a matter of a few hundred yards. It had taken nine months to get to this point - nerves grow VERY slowly.
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To this day, eight years on I still require walking sticks and Ankle-Foot Orthosis to help me walk as the damage to the spinal nerve roots was too severe. Nerves can grow back and in some cases it's possible to get some recovery.
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During the first three months in Reading and Oxford neuro-sciences wards, I was told I'd not be able to walk again and that I'd have to learn to live with my lack of bodily functions.
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I consider myself incredibly lucky that nature has given me a second chance - a second chance to live my life, to be kind, to engage with people, to stop worrying about rubbish and just "get on with it".
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It's never certain how you would react faced with such adversity. I was lucky - something in the back of my mind told me to stick two fingers up to the consultants who told me I'd not walk again. Pig-headed determination and a bit of luck that my injury turned out to be what's called "incomplete".
Inspiration - comes from the weirdest of places
Four things happened to me during my time in hospital that will stick with me forever:
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During my time in Oxford a young nurse whose first day on the job as a qualified nurse, was talking to me about my injury. When I explained what had happened she said "That's awful. I lost the feeling in my legs from the thigh down when I was 12 years old. I had spina-bifida." to which I replied "but you're walking normally, you look normal and no-one would know!". "Yes, I've just learned to balance and walk and retrain my body to "feel" things in a different way." That hit me . . no point feeling sorry for myself
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My wife brought our sons in to see me who both hugged me and I thought "Get on with it McBride, you've a family out there that needs you. You don't want your kids seeing you give up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with it."
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On my second day in Stoke Mandeville, I met a young lady aged nine who was injured from the neck down and on a ventilator. She possessed such humour and energy that it humbled me. How lucky am I was how I felt - I've got to make the most of this opportunity and never give up, for anything, ever again
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During my time at Stoke Mandeville I met a wonderful old girl aged 90 who had fallen down the stairs and ended up in a wheelchair. she was in that gym every day pushing herself to get up and walking again. What a love of life. What grit and determination. What an inspiration
How I live my life - Non-Deficere" (Never Give Up!!)
Eight years on I race cars, I ski again (I can ski better than I can walk!!), I've taken the controls and flown a Spitfire and I have a wonderful family who make me want to keep going until my batteries run out for good.
Life is too short. Enjoy every day. Be kind. Do stupid things. Stop worrying about what people think. Stop thinking money is the answer everything.
Money does not make you happy - You have to be happy to enjoy money!!
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2015 - Le Mans
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On our way home, me with my dad, great boys weekend away
Skiing with the family - 2017
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La Plagne - still couldn't walk easily but I could ski!
Auckland Sky Tower - 2014
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Assisted Freefall, 600 feet! Absolutely amazing experience
Sydney Harbour - 2014
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Harbour Bridge Climb, a gruelling (for me) 3-hour+ climb and descent, including a stop at the top to watch the sunset. Utterly incredible experience
My 50th Birthday present - 2017
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Wife, friends and family funded one of my life-long dreams, to fly in a Spitfire. In 2018 I completed my flight but . . . .
. . . not only did I get to fly in a Spitfire, I got to take the controls, fly round Brands Hatch during a race, dip the wing, and then head off into the distance to be taken for a Barrel Roll.
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This is why I am one of the luckiest people on the plant - to realise boyhood dreams!
June 2019 - Another "Life Re-enforcing event takes place"
I didn't expect to be writing yet more narrative about my "journey" but life has a funny way of just giving you a gentle reminder about keeping yourself grounded and on track. Okay, not exactly a gentle nudge . . a right royal boot up the backside. Thanks very much life, I thought I was doing okay but clearly not.
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Friday 7th June, it's coming up to 10pm and I'm riding my electric scooter down to the shop before it closes - literally a 20 second ride down the road. 50 yards from our front door I saw someone over my shoulder I thought I recognised and turned to look over my shoulder. Unfortunately, even at only 10-15 mph scooters are very sensitive to small movements because of the small wheels. I veered into the curb and was flipped over the handlebars and off to the right. I have chosen not to include a photo of my actual leg break as it's quite horrible but I lay in the road with a thigh sticking out to one side knowing this was nit simple break.
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It's now Sunday 16th June and having spent a week in hospital after surgery to repair a complex fracture of my right femur (shattered into many pieces), my leg now has a 12-14" plate that joins the knee to the top of my femur, with all loose pieces left to re-knit together again. Years ago this would have been traction and indeed my surgeon did say that was a possibility.
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3-4 months non-weight-bearing, at least two months without driving (ordinarily longer but because I left-foot-brake slightly less time), yet more damage to the already damaged nerves in my right leg from my spinal operation, and damaged left knee which makes it impossible to sit and stand from my left leg. I now have to resort to using a Zimmer frame to ambulate, shower seat with handles to lift and lower myself, frame to surround the toilet for the same purpose. I am once again, to all intent and purpose, disabled except this time the pain is excruciating.
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I find myself in yet another dark place. Well, I've been here before and I got out of it. I'm damned well going to do it again. It's just harder now I'm over 50!!! :-)
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Allow me to share one of my favourite quotes. I have lived by this philosophy for years and oh, how it has helped me and will help me again:
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W. H. Murray
1913 - 1996
Scottish climber & explorer
Scottish Himalayan Expedition, 1951
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“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”
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